Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
she dances like a raindrop,
collapses on the ground,
and all of her bones shatter,
made from thin, liquid glass,
her voice ripples on the surface
and it screams
the soft syllables pirouetting on your eardrums
her fingertips tapping
can you hear them?
they are cotton balls
being dropped on the asphalt
can you hear them?
(it's the wind carrying her feet across the air)
and she dances like a raindrop.
you can catch her
and she can shatter in your palms.
it's not about anything. i just wrote it and it sucks bootyhole
Add a Comment:
 
:iconadagiobunny:
Adagiobunny Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Student Writer
i can hear the contrast in your words - the sharp shatter to the soft drip, drop, smooth & light & heavy at once.
Reply
:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
hehe thank you :D
Reply
:iconadagiobunny:
Adagiobunny Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Student Writer
most welcome! :)
Reply
:iconcrematedman:
CrematedMan Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2012  Student Writer
I enjoyed it, it didn't seem to have a point, but sounded beautiful.
Reply
:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
hahah poetry opens many doors! you can choose which one to go through. c: (loosely quoted from Jim Morrison yay) thank you very much c:
Reply
:iconmistressofquills:
MistressofQuills Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012  Student Writer
no no it's beautiful! i love the way you describe - it's like you're painting a picture fro the reader!
Reply
:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you very very much :D
Reply
:iconmistressofquills:
MistressofQuills Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012  Student Writer
you're very very welcome:D
Reply
:iconmynaophelia:
MynaOphelia Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012
absolutely beautiful <3
Reply
:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you so much :D
Reply
:iconmynaophelia:
MynaOphelia Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012
welcome!
Reply
:iconshasta-rose:
Shasta-Rose Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
How creative! It might not be about anything, but that's why it flies off into another realm. Give yourself a little credit. I like it. :) Your choice of words and form work very well.
Reply
:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you very very very much. :)
Reply
:iconmistressofquills:
MistressofQuills Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2012  Student Writer
oh that's beautiful! a little rough, but i love your style and the way you described the girl!
Reply
:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you very much :D
Reply
:iconmistressofquills:
MistressofQuills Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2012  Student Writer
you're sure welcome!:D
Reply
:icontokikomosoto:
tokikomosoto Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012
This is amazing...y do u think it sucks? The fragility of a woman hurt so badly in the past..really cool :)
Reply
:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you very much. :)
Reply
:icontokikomosoto:
tokikomosoto Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2012
Ur welcome. :iconjamplz: <---- honorary jam :)
Reply
:iconlm0038:
lm0038 Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2012  Student Writer
um... you are crazy if you really think its bad. this poem is remarkably beautiful... all the imagery.. the unbelievably amazing of metaphorand simile and... oh all the feels!!! this is amazing!!!
Reply
:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you very much. :)
Reply
:iconlm0038:
lm0038 Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2012  Student Writer
:) you are welcome! (again) :P
Reply
:iconsilvermoonrising:
SilverMoonRising Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
The imagery itself is good, but I don't particularly like how you wrote it. I definitely like the idea, which is why I'm adding it to my favorites.
Reply
:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks :3
Reply
:iconsilvermoonrising:
SilverMoonRising Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:)
Reply
:iconflawedfairytale:
flawedfairytale Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2012  Student Writer
Such beautiful imagery, this is really quite wonderful :heart:
Reply
:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you very much :)
Reply
:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012
Your fantastic work has been featured in Friday Night Features.
Reply
:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
oh my goodness, thank you so very very much. C:
Reply
:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2012
You're welcome.
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012  Student General Artist
:faint: This is gorgeous, thanks for sharing!
Reply
:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
awww hahaha it's my pleasure, and thank you very much. <3
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012  Student General Artist
:hug: keep it up!
Reply
:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
haha i will :D
Reply
:iconvenry:
Venry Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Student General Artist
:dance:
Reply
:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012  Student Writer
I do enjoy the water imagery quite a lot. The strongest part of this poem from me is the placement of strong action verbs you’ve used. It allows this poem vision that it otherwise would not have. I also enjoy the repetition of the first line and the shift you’ve put at the end of the poem.

There are some things I would take a second look at. In the middle “can you hear them? They are cotton balls being dropped on the asphalt can you hear them?” is a bit unclear to me. I understand that it’s her feet and the wind, but there’s nothing really tangible that I can grasp onto here.

As for a little bit on my own two cents, I’d also like to say that poems are never about nothing. If you write a poem, it’s about something, you just haven’t put a grasp on it. That is the poet’s job to figure out and address. Personally I think this poem is about the fragile nature of the “she/her” in the poem, but that’s just what I got out of it.
Reply
:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you very much for your comment. And thank you for putting your time into it. And with my poetry, i usually let the reader plaster a meaning onto it themselves. when i write poems, i would just write, i would let my mind wander, place pretty words next to each other. then i can look at it and decide what it means to me, but what i get out of the poem will be different from what others get out of it. :P
Reply
:iconopencagepoetry:
OpenCagePoetry Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
this doesn't suck bootyhole. I like it.
Reply
:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
hahah thank you <3
Reply
:iconopencagepoetry:
OpenCagePoetry Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're more than welcome
Reply
:iconmanigran:
Manigran Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is beautiful.
Reply
:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you. c:
Reply
:iconmanigran:
Manigran Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome.
Reply
:iconpoisonbabybeautiful:
poisonbabybeautiful Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012
oh well see now i feel like i must have crap taste in poetry what with it sucking bootyhole and me liking it and all -- *displeased with implications* : P
Reply
:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
hahahaha thank you very much. :)
Reply
:iconsachalkhan:
sachalkhan Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
you are officially better than me :3 <3
Reply
:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
hahaha r u srs <3 nah
Reply
:iconsachalkhan:
sachalkhan Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
i am super srs
Reply
:iconjaani-androphile:
jaani-androphile Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
wtf
Reply
:iconsachalkhan:
sachalkhan Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
it's cause you're amazing c:
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconjaani-androphile: More from jaani-androphile


Featured in Collections

Words, words, words... by Kublakhan27

Literature by NekoWolf95

Writings by WolfxButterfly


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
June 18, 2012
File Size
626 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
669
Favourites
46 (who?)
Comments
72
×